Saturday, August 8, 2009

Eulogy For Common Sense

A veteran of the industrial revolution, the Great Depression and the digital age, Common Sense survived many educational and cultural trends, including feminism, body-piercing, Ebonics and "new" math.
But its health declined when it became infected with the "If it only helps one person, it's worth it" virus. In recent days its waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing government regulation. It watched in pain as good people became lorded over by self-seeking lawyers, "en-LIE-tened" auditors and unaccountable bureaucrats.
It's vitality was sapped by the endless implementation of zero-tolerance policies in public schools: Six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. Its strength failed when school nurses had to get parental consent to administer aspirin but could not inform parents when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.
Common Sense lost its will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and dictatorships, criminals received better treatment by law than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses into everything from the Boy Scouts to professional baseball, while Congress debated the "appropriate" size of holes in Swiss cheese.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding low-water-use toilets, "smart" guns, burgeoning Prohibition laws and mandatory air bag regulations.
Finally, when the Neighborhood Association restricted outdoor furniture only to that which enhanced property values, Common Sense breathed its last.

Common Sense was preceded in death by its parents Truth and Trust; by wife Discretion; by son Reason and daughter Responsibility. It is survived by four step-brothers; Rights, Tolerance, Whiner and Sniveler...

Not many people attended the memorial services for Common Sense, for - being so "open-minded" their brains had fallen out - they did not realize it had gone!

No comments: