It's the beginning of a shiny new year, filled with unanticipated disappointments and your old familiar regrets. I know many people make resolutions to do something, anything, to improve their life situation. I, on the other hand, am pretty damn wonderful the way I am and don't need to change except to possibly get more betterer. Anyhow, in the spirit of change and hope that permeates the very fabric of America, (smells like bullshit, incidentally), I have some suggestions for New Year's resolutions because frankly, some of y'all need to tighten the hell up, mmkay? These are ideal if you've already blown off the resolutions you made while drunk and/or hungover earlier this year.
Eat more beets.
Work less, procrastinate more. (I may have this one backwards. Check with a reputable advice columnist.)
Keep a dream diary to realize how disturbed your subconscious really is.
Stop feeding Ex Lax to toddlers, especially the ones that aren't yours.
Finish things, preferably with a cool Mortal Kombat style finishing move.
Quit accidentally stapling yourself to things. The company can't afford the staples.
Drink more or less caffeine, depending on how much you vibrate while at rest.
Stop selling used underwear on eBay to finance your buying-used-underwear habit. It's a vicious cycle that benefits no one.
Soap is not optional this year, bathdodger.
While you've probably given up on it already this year, lose some weight, lardo.
Practice a skill. Masturbation, by the way, is not a skill, despite what some of you seem to think.
Stop commenting on YouTube.
Get more tattoos.
Only be rude to people who deserve it.
Quit shouting "Hey, cocksucker!" to get people's attention. While often accurate, it's still somewhat gauche.
Stay out of the left hand lane if you're not exceeding the speed limit.
Don't refer to your genitalia in the third person. It's creepy and off-putting.
Pay your liquor store bill. Distillers and brewers have families, too, you know.
(Hey Pope Benny: Think ya could show DumB-0 that neat little resignation trick of yours - Lent ain't NEARLY long enough for him to give up!)